My Auntie rang this afternoon and left a message – letting me know that when/if I come to Sydney to celebrate the anniversary of my father’s death, that I’m welcome to stay at hers. My first thought was ‘Oh fuck, I thought I got out of going over’. I thought I got out of it ‘cause I thought my dad’s partner had gone overseas – and I’d been relieved that I didn’t have to go to Sydney.
I feel this immense guilt and dread at never catching up with people that I know. I ditched a friend on Friday who I was supposed to catch up with over the weekend. I have a friend in town who I promised I’d call once uni holidays started and another friend in town that I promised the same thing, my mum’s coming to visit for a week, and it will be fun, but… I don’t know why, I just can’t be fucked.
A few years ago I disengaged from my family and friends. I traveled across Australia – spending solitary days and weeks camping in wild, isolated places. I live alone and I’m comfortable being alone. I feel like people interrupting my space is an imposition and it’s all about time. Even though I live alone, I feel as though there isn’t enough time to do the things that I want to do. Maybe it’s the work/uni thing, maybe it’s just me but I really prefer to hang about on my own, than to hang out with other people.
The weirdest part is that I get angry that people don’t seem to realise that I don’t want to hang out. That their asking me to do stuff is a drag for me, that going to Sydney to celebrate-or-whatever-the-fuck-it’s-called-when-you-meet-up-with-people-to-commemorate-the anniversary-of-your-dad’s-death uses up an incredible amount of my time and money. That to go up to my Auntie’s place which is a couple of hours North of Sydney will be excruciatingly boring. It’s like I have some kind of anti-social chip or I’m missing some kind of integral, I don’t know… responsibility or obligation component.
The thing is that the people who are my friends, are more acquaintances. I think. I don’t know. I find them kind of boring. And at the same time, I recognise that boredom is within myself and that it’s up to me to change that. I just don’t know what it is that I have to change. I mean, I don’t know why I would surround myself with people that I don’t like much, you know? And, it’s complicated too, by the fact that I think I may have some kind of social anxiety disorder. The people who are currently my friends/acquaintances don’t invoke that fear, they are ‘safe’ and maybe that contributes to my boredom; they aren’t challenging to be around or I don’t allow them to be challenging. Maybe I just don’t be myself around enough people and I think that it’s useless being myself around people because I don’t want to argue because I feel as though arguing won’t change anything. It’s part of the swallow shit phenomenon, I think. But so deeply ingrained that I would rather remove myself from company than deal with it.