Should I stay or should I go?

It seems that my dilemma from last week continues. Should I stay in my horrendously expensive rental property or move in to NQMB’s poky little flat? Since I wrote the last post I’ve been moving toward the ‘Oh fuck no, don’t do it’. Then I think of another year of working full-time and barely being able to afford anything other than necessities and I think, ‘think of the saving!’. I’d like to go out to dinner occasionally  without it coming out of ‘bill money’ or ‘food money’. I always feel like I am being an over-privileged douche talking about not having enough money to do stuff, because of course I have enough money, with a little left over, to survive.

I guess it’s just that I feel that paying so much money on rent is limiting. It has stopped me from being able to attend university as an internal student and from taking as many units per semester as I’d like, thus extending the end-date of my external studies into my early 40s (just another 6years to go!). I started working full-time because I needed to pay more rent; I’d had an incredibly bad run of incompatible, temporary flatmates  who were filling in for a housemate who was ‘coming back in a year’ and at the end of that year, the housemate changed his mind and I decided  ‘no fucking more’. Around that same time I also quit a job in hospitality when new owners took over because I felt the vulnerability that casual, yet flexible, hospitality work engenders.

Anyway, you really don’t need to hear all of my angst. (Although, I would like to buy a new computer – one that doesn’t freeze up every 30 seconds). So this week I am thinking ‘no, don’t do it, don’t move in together’ and I assume that this back and forth is going to continue to play out for the next month or so, until some kind of resolution is reached. I don’t think there is going to be any kind of helpful compromise with NQMB – he’s not open to negotiation on the topic. I mean, he says that he is, but in reality, his heart is set firmly on staying at the flat, which he won’t admit.

Another aspect, I’m pretty sure my rent will go up again. It didn’t last year but that was because a neighbour intervened on my behalf, which she may well do again, but still, it’s over half my wage. I am ridiculous, I know. I should just find a lovely housemate and be done with it. I also think that a significant part of my angst is that I loathe my job; I’m spending a large portion of my life in a mediocre job, doing things I’m opposed to, and with people that I mostly loathe. Perhaps if I were in a job that I enjoyed I wouldn’t mind spending so much money on rent. GAH!

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