Yup. Still angsting. If it weren’t for this postaweek2011 challenge you wouldn’t be hearing from me at all.
I usually get anxious this time of year anyway. I only recognised this panicked feeling as anxiety recently; the swirling turmoil gradually building until all the biteys that are bugging me, whirl-pool so rapidly in my mind that I dissolve into a weeping or snarling mess.
None of those things are resolved. I’m still in a job that I hate and being pressured to apply for a higher level position that I don’t particularly want; I might if I were in an office that I enjoyed being in, but hey. My lease is coming up for renewal and I don’t know how much they will offer to let it to me, and I can barely afford what I’m paying now.
If I do move, I’m worried about the house-hunting/moving process being right at the start of uni AND the job interview debacle and I’m worried about uni because they’re canceling the degree I’m doing and I don’t have the time to complete it in the time that they’ve given, and I’ll have to switch degrees but they haven’t told me what options I have.
All of these things are manageable and will work out one way or another. I think it’s that they’re all happening at the same time. It’s not that I mind upheaval, I mean, I don’t love it, but it’s not the absolute worst thing I can imagine, it’s more that all the alternatives and choices seem equal to, or worse than, my current situation. If you must go through upheaval there should be some kind of reward, but obviously, that’s not the way the world works, Eh?
NQMB has done a massive emptying out of all the junk in his unit (without me prompting), and has the measurements of all my furniture so we can figure out which of whose stuff we ditch or keep. So far, we’ll mostly be keeping mine. I feel relieved about him taking the initiative to organise shit, but I’m still extremely ambivalent about moving in together. I feel really sad. I feel like I’m giving up my independence, even though we won’t be sharing a room. I can’t seem to get my head around the fact that I can’t have it all. I can’t do the independent live alone thing, study, work and have a lovely man that lives down the road.
I’m also wondering how much of this anxiety is commitment phobia. Not just commitment phobia to a bloke, but to life. I don’t know how to explain this part of myself. I don’t own stuff. I mean, I have music and I have books that I’d like to keep, but apart from that? I have a plethora of really cheap 2nd-hand furniture and appliances that I’ve accumulated from a plethora of house-mates, a semi-decent bike, a heater, a washing machine, and ummmmm oh yeah my $1200 car and that’s about it. That’s partly an anti-capitalist thing, partly an environmental thing, partly a poverty thing and partly an “I DON’T WANT TO OWN ANYTHING BECAUSE I MIGHT HAVE TO MOVE, AND IF I HAVE STUFF!!!! IT MAKES IT HARDER TO MOVE AND THAT MEANS I AM STUCK” thing.
Then there’s the drama that this all might be moot. The real estate might increase my rent even more and then all this angsting that HAS A POINT!!! Won’t have a point. I am just bloody waiting to see what happens. This is the last post you will see on this topic until something changes!