Monster Dog

There was once a woman, who worked in a cafe as a barista. It was a good job, a fun job, with many wonderful co-workers from all over the world…but that’s another story.  

Across from the cafe was a man who ran a bookshop. The man who ran the bookshop had an almighty crush on the woman who worked at the cafe.  

The man who ran the bookshop (let’s call him Greg) had recently bought a house, down in the beachside suburbs, quite some distance from the café and the bookshop. Settling in to his new home, Greg bought himself 2 Labrador puppies to keep him company. 

One day Greg bought the puppies into the cafe, to show the barista (let’s call her Billiemae), in the hopes that they would impress and charm her.  

Well, puppies! Obviously no-one  can resist the charm of mini, squirmy, hot, writhing, wriggly little puppies, right?  Billiemae duly patted the puppies and politely exclaimed at teh cuteness of the dogs then quickly ran to wash her hands.  

When she came out, Beautiful Tim, her lovely co-worker was laughing at her; 

“you really don’t know how to deal with dogs, do you?” he asked, chortling evilly at her.

“Fuck off Timmy” she replied.  

To prove she cared about the well-being of the dogs, everyday she gave Greg the leftover sausage rolls and pies to take home to the puppies. Greg was very grateful because puppies eat a lot!  

Eventually Greg asked Billiemae out on a date. They went out  got very drunk, drove!!! Back to Billiemae’s house, and thank god, did not have sex.

It was strange, Greg was very kind, they had a lot in common, were interested in similar things but, for some reason Greg somehow repulsed Billiemae. Of course, thinking it possible that reason could rule emotion Billiemae thought she should give it another try. Buh-Bow.

 Greg asked her out on a date and Billiemae drove the fucking 60 kms to suburbia to check out his new place. The house was lovely and as they stepped into the backyard Billiemae admired the lovely herb garden Greg had made for himself.

 Suddenly, Billiemae heard the distant sounds of a slobbering wobble of mouthskin and the splatter of drool on concrete. She looked up and was horrified to see two ginormous black labrador monsterdogs bounding enthusiastically toward her. Holy Fuck, where did the puppies go?

 The dogs jumped enthusiastically onto her, knocking her onto the ground, scratching her with too long nails and gnawing on her wrist-bones with hot little saliva-filled mouths. Billiemae wanted to kick the filthy little fucks in the head but Greg was laughing happily so she politely smiled, and patted the dogs whilst surreptitously removing their noses from her crotch, her wrist from their mouths,  their teeth from her skin and their saliva from, everywhere.

 Greg decided to take the dogs (and Billiemae) for a walk along the beach, how romantic! They all piled into the Kombi and set off. When they arrived Billiemae and Greg each took a dog, or should I say, Greg took a dog and a dog took Billiemae.

 The dog took off up the path, but doubled back eagerly to slobber and claw Billiemae. It wound its leash around Billiemae’s legs, tripping Billiemae into the dirt then taking off uncontrollably again. It was windy. The combination of psycho-fucking-dog-rampaging-along-the-beach and sand-blowing-in-gale-force-wind-against-Billiemae’s-legs and Greg’s-grinning-fucking-face, annoyed the fuck out of Billiemae.

 Discipline your fucking dogs man! she thought.

 Billiemae and Greg never got it on.


monsterdog - A cartoon of a brown dog drooling and bounding forwards


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