I Hope

It’s eating out your heart
as much as it is


To and Fro

 As predicted, I’m swinging back ‘n forth on the old ‘should I stay or should I go’  dilemma. This week it’s all about the money. I seriously have less than $30 to last me two weeeks. I’ve  done the dry goods shop but I haven’t yet bought fruit and veg,  or petrol.  I did go and see a movie though, and I bought some beer. It feels though, that if you are working full-time, you should be able to do both; do your fortnightly shopping AND go and see a movie. That’s not to say that people on the dole or pension shouldn’t be able to do both either, they should.  It just always spins me out that you can work full -time, have no kids, no loans, no house repayments and still not be able to buy F+V.

Oh… I did also buy myself a new pair of jeans. They were on sale for $30 and I was stoked to find them as I’ve been wearing jeans that are to small for me for a few months now. My underpants leave marks on my skin and I’ve not been wearing a bra to work because my 2 bras are too small and the pain a too small bra causes is… excruciating.  When I do think of moving in with NQMB and the $210 I will be saving PER WEEK, I think  food, underpants, bras, decent clothes for work, increased internet connection and SAVINGS.


Then again…. I did talk to NQMB about making  room for me. The unit is small and he’s a massive hoarder. He replied that he needs to do a plan, get rid of stuff and measure my stuff  to see where everything is going to fit. He’s going to be overseas around the time that I am moving in (if I do) so I’m worried that he’ll l leave without moving his crap and it’ll be left up to me to deal with it. I don’t want to decide to move in, get there and have all his stuff in the bedroom. He has the power to just leave it there and there’s not much I can do about it if he does. Of course, if he did do that I would have to move out and obviously I will have just given up my place. So,  that brings us full circle eh?



Should I stay or should I go?

It seems that my dilemma from last week continues. Should I stay in my horrendously expensive rental property or move in to NQMB’s poky little flat? Since I wrote the last post I’ve been moving toward the ‘Oh fuck no, don’t do it’. Then I think of another year of working full-time and barely being able to afford anything other than necessities and I think, ‘think of the saving!’. I’d like to go out to dinner occasionally  without it coming out of ‘bill money’ or ‘food money’. I always feel like I am being an over-privileged douche talking about not having enough money to do stuff, because of course I have enough money, with a little left over, to survive.

I guess it’s just that I feel that paying so much money on rent is limiting. It has stopped me from being able to attend university as an internal student and from taking as many units per semester as I’d like, thus extending the end-date of my external studies into my early 40s (just another 6years to go!). I started working full-time because I needed to pay more rent; I’d had an incredibly bad run of incompatible, temporary flatmates  who were filling in for a housemate who was ‘coming back in a year’ and at the end of that year, the housemate changed his mind and I decided  ‘no fucking more’. Around that same time I also quit a job in hospitality when new owners took over because I felt the vulnerability that casual, yet flexible, hospitality work engenders.

Anyway, you really don’t need to hear all of my angst. (Although, I would like to buy a new computer – one that doesn’t freeze up every 30 seconds). So this week I am thinking ‘no, don’t do it, don’t move in together’ and I assume that this back and forth is going to continue to play out for the next month or so, until some kind of resolution is reached. I don’t think there is going to be any kind of helpful compromise with NQMB – he’s not open to negotiation on the topic. I mean, he says that he is, but in reality, his heart is set firmly on staying at the flat, which he won’t admit.

Another aspect, I’m pretty sure my rent will go up again. It didn’t last year but that was because a neighbour intervened on my behalf, which she may well do again, but still, it’s over half my wage. I am ridiculous, I know. I should just find a lovely housemate and be done with it. I also think that a significant part of my angst is that I loathe my job; I’m spending a large portion of my life in a mediocre job, doing things I’m opposed to, and with people that I mostly loathe. Perhaps if I were in a job that I enjoyed I wouldn’t mind spending so much money on rent. GAH!